Irony

My brain is my greatest strength yet my worst enemy.

We Are Men!!

Randomly (meaning I know they didn't secretly plan this)...the boys in first period started singing "We Are Men" from Mulan. Somehow they all knew all the words-verses included. At the end, I gave them a quizzical eyebrow and they explained to me how cool of a song it was.....and sang it again.

Don't tell them- but secretly I was pretty impressed. :)

Really???

My students have a knack for getting worked up about the element symbols on the periodic table. They just do not want to deal with the fact that iron is Fe and potassium is K and tungsten is W and sodium is Na, etc. I explained that the symbols came from the Latin names of the elements.

Frustrated student: "we're in America! Why do we care about Latvia?"

Me: Laughing uncontrollably

Student: not getting it

Me: "you do know that they don't speak Latin in Latvia, don't you?"

Student: "They don't?"

Me: "No, they don't"

Rest of class: "No, you dummy- Latin is a DEAD language!"

Acetic Anhydride

It is May. It is the end of the school year. I am wound up so tightly that I will not think twice about jumping down the throat of the first person who crosses me. So let me describe how the last hour and a half of school made it 1000 times worse.

4th period. They bug the living daylights out of me. They lie, cheat, drink alcohol in class, back-talk, swear, make out in class, and everything else under the sun. I cannot wait to be rid of them and I am sure they cannot wait to be rid of me. I have been driving myself batty trying to make these last 2 weeks of school bearable by coming up with lessons that are somewhat relevant and engaging. They are learning about materials- crystals, nanoparticles, polymers, etc. All new stuff that I am making up as I go which is more work. Not in the book. Not like I use the book anyway.

So today they were supposed to do commercials about a product that uses nanotechnology to improve performance. They behaved hideously. Their "commercials" were awful. They had no problem speaking while another group was taking their turn "performing". I kicked a girl out of class after she mocked 2 kids- got an earful of brat talk. I got so frustrated I handed them each a science magazine/article and said they had to read it and summarize it and they couldn't talk or look at their phones until the end of class. So they sat in silence. Don't worry, I know they didn't learn a single thing except that I was ticked.

Then, the bell rings. As soon as the bell rings, I am paged to call the office. So I do. My chemical order that was SUPPOSED TO BE PUT IN OVER A WEEK AGO just got sent off by the district. For crying out loud!! Me and my school did it all by the book. The district sat on it for no apparent reason and now I will not have my chemical in time.

Why is this so important right now? Well, for the past week+ my honors students having been learning how to synthesize aspirin. They have studied the procedure carefully, they can explain the hows, whys, and what ifs, (not so much the calculations though) and they have gone through one trial synthesis. They are starting to think about what they are doing and why they are doing it and they are asking good questions. I have them right where I want them.

But NO. It is all for nothing. I will not have any acetic anhydride for them to do a second trial. They will not get to test their hypotheses. They will not have the chance to prove to themselves that they CAN do chemistry (most of them think they can't because it is too hard. more like it is the first thing they have ever done that has challenged them at all) Instead, I will have to come up with a new plan in 11 hours that can assess what I have been cultivating for several weeks. Not likely to happen.

I am so upset! I can't just go to the grocery store and buy this stuff. It is a level 3 health hazard and a level 2 flammability hazard. It has to be shipped via truck. None of the high schools in my district have any I can borrow and I am not eligible to purchase any from the university. I am at the point where I am so frustrated that I would have driven 2 hours and spent my own money to get my hands on 500 mL of the stuff. But it just isn't possible. What is with the dang district??? Don't they know some of us have to TEACH??

FYI- I looked at the purchase date on the old bottle of acetic anhydride. 1989. I was 7 years old. Expiration date- 1994. Hmmm...maybe that explains the green moldy things and spikey crystals that showed up when we put the stuff in the drying oven? Probably not.

What is the bleep-bleep point???

I am so blasted frustrated with living this pathetic pointless life. I throw all of my time into work which is decidedly pointless, and then when I have a day off I remember how much I hate being alive. When I am not at work I am pissed off that I am committed to work through the end of the school year. Fine. Whatever. I will continue to be a sucky teacher until June. Then bring on the hepatic encephalopathy.

Cumorah

So, this summer I had the chance to be in the Hill Cumorah Pageant. Let me tell you, it was so awesome. The hill is in Palmyra, New York. Latter-Day Saints believe that the record that was translated into the Book of Mormon was buried on that hill by an ancient prophet named Moroni. The place is pretty special. The pageant has 10 scenes that outline the stories in the Book of Mormon. It is the story of prophets- all of whom testified of the Savior. The climax of the pageant is when an actor playing Jesus Christ descends from heaven lifting the darkness and teaching the people. The entire cast is onstage during this scene.

Aside from the descension scene, I was cast as a "Noah Citizen". I was in the King Noah scene and listened to the prophet Abinadi testify of Christ and call the people to repentance. And then of course, the prophet was burned. The coolest scene as far as effects are concerned was the destruction scene. Fireballs, floods, earthquakes, and lots of teenagers pretending to die very dramatically. I was a little jealous that I wasn't in that scene!

I met some amazing people in Palmyra and I learned that I am capable of making friends and I am not some sort of pariah. That felt really good. We got the chance to tour the churchsites in the area including the Sacred Grove, the Grandin printing press, Peter Whitmer's farm, and the Palmyra temple. We also did a service project on the Erie canal. I was fascinated by the workings of the canal.

Being in the east reminded me of living in Connecticut. I miss that in a way. I know it has been a long time- 18 years- but still. I miss the buttercup flowers and the New England accents and the old trees and blue lakes. I miss the history that breathes through the east. I never thought I would end up in Utah for good, but at least for the forseeable future that's where I'll be. Don't get me wrong, Utah is fine, but I am a yankee at heart.

Facebook | Photos of You

Facebook | Photos of You

Building the Kingdom

Okay, I am teaching institute on Thursday- the course is The Gospel and the Productive Life. The lesson is titled "Each of us can help build the kingdom of God on earth. The "principles to understand" are 1) We help build the kingdom of God by living righteously, 2) Individuals and families are strengthened by activity in the church, 3) We should willingly serve wherever we are, and 4) Blessings come as we serve in the kingdom of God.

I've had a few thoughts on this topic. Thought number 1. Are there times when we are not asked to contribute where we think we might do a good job? For example, I've never been asked to teach although I am a teacher by profession. Just wondering if I am the only one that has observed this. You know, it is nice to not have to teach Sunday when I teach every other day of the week.

Thought number 2. So, you married types may or may not have heard the fireside that Elder Holland gave in 2004- He talked about this dispensation's contribution in the ushering in of the second coming. He said that it is our duty to prepare this world for the coming of the Savior. He said that prophets from dispensations past had reason to hope because they saw OUR dispensation. These prophets knew their own dispensations would fail eventually, but they saw that our dispensation, the dispensation of the fullness of times, would not fail and Christ will come to claim His kingdom. When I heard Elder Holland give that talk, I was amazed by that concept. I felt excited to be part of this dispensation. Does anyone else remember that talk (you can find it on BYU's website under speeches)? It was amazing.

So, what do y'all think?

When copper faces off with aluminum

My students have been doing some experiments with copper sulfate. The waste from these experiments was sitting on a bench in my lab and I wanted to evaporate it so I could reclaim the copper sulfate. Well, late Wednesday night (and I mean late...it was after parent teacher conferences) I decided to pour the copper sulfate solution into some shallow aluminum pie pans to help it evaporate faster. On Thursday morning, I walked into my classroom and looked across the room at the pans. They were empty. Weird thought I. Then I noticed a huge puddle about 3 feet away from the pans. Double weird. Well, I walked over to inspect the mess and this is what happened (I think). The copper sulfate reacted with the aluminum in the pie plate (yes, Miss Carr forgot to consider the activity series of metals) and the copper was reduced and the aluminum was oxidized. Translation: The copper sulfate ate away holes in the pie plate and copper metal was formed under the pie tin. The holes resulted in a leak of the copper sulfate solution and apparently the bench has a slight slope so the puddle ended up a ways down stream. Copper sulfate is blue and forms blue crystals when it evaporates so eventually the puddle turned into a large bed of fine blue crystals. So, now you all know that when copper and aluminum go to war, copper wins!

And we're off...

School started this Monday. Holy chaos Batman! Someone had the 'brilliant' idea to have all 8 periods yesterday in this order: 1,2,5,6,3,4,7,8. For half an hour each. In my opinion this was a disaster. One poor girl got mixed up and sat through my class twice. The sophmores are just as confused as ever. To top it off, the gas wasn't working in my classroom (still isn't) so that meant I had to stick to the less-exciting experiments instead of sacrificing a gummy bear to the chemistry gods.

I am teaching 1 AP class, 3 honors classes, and 2 chem 1 classes. My AP kids had me last year for the most part and they were crazy wound up yesterday. We'll see if the homework I've been giving them is encouraging them to get down to business. I taught my 3 honors classes today- a couple of observations: 1- I have a lot of really small sophmore boys. I don't remember so many small ones last year, but maybe that's because I didn't have as many sophmores. 2- Maybe it's just because it is the beginning of the year, but my classes have been quiet! I haven't had to take any phones away or ask the class to stop talking for the 100th time (except maybe AP). I don't remember the last time school was like this!

My kids from last year seem to enjoy coming back and visiting me. They end up in my room randomly throughout the day. I enjoy seeing them- but not in the middle of class. Tomorrow AP is doing a lab (we'll see if they remember molarity-I doubt it!) and working on measurement and nomenclature and my other classes are making Alka-seltzer rockets. I need to figure out what to have them do after the rockets.

Resignation

It is the end of the summer and I am resigning myself to the fact that I will not die this summer and will go on living into the next school year. In a way, the end of summer was like my "deadline". Yes, I know this is all ridiculous. I really do. I resent taking that ultimate choice off the table. I feel prisoner to my work again. A voluntary prisoner to be sure, but a prisoner nonetheless. I come home late, exhausted from work and spend an hour or two feeling acutely lonely, fall into a troubled sleep, and start again before the sun rises. Is this really what it means to be alive?

On the road again

This is the view from the top of Catherine Pass in Little Cottonwood Canyon. My ward had a campout at Albion basin which is the basin at the bottom of the pass. Lake Catherine is in the background and there are three other lakes north of this one. Ward campouts are always interesting. Sometimes I wonder if anyone will come back as friends. It is also funny (to me anyway) to imagine your ward being a pioneer company headed west.

Our dear bishop is retired Army and has been a boy scout guy for years and years. He had several canvas army tents that we slept in. Now, never having camped with a fair sized group of women, he saw no problem in having seven of us in one tent. He was sure suprised when, at 1 am, our tent busted out laughing and didn't stop for quite a while. To quote him-"At first I thought it was just one of you and it would stop in a minute. Then there were more of you. Then I wondered if you'd ever stop and what on earth was so funny". Well, bishop, there wasn't anything funny. That's just what happens when you put a lot of girls in one place late at night.

Hike Naked...it adds color to your cheeks!

So, I got back last Thursday from my backpacking trip. Yes, I wore clothes most of the time. It was so fun. I camped at a campground in the Unitas on Tuesday and on Wednesday I hiked up to Amethyst lake. It was about a 5 miles trip, the last 3 of which were uphill. Yes, I was packing all of my gear- and you know what? I made it. It was a beautiful hike- the wildflowers were in bloom and the trail crossed several beautiful streams. Actually, there wasn't much of a trail past a certain point, but that's okay.

I camped in a meadow about 1/2 mile from the lake (there were boy scouts with horses at the lake) and did some exploring. I hiked over to Ostler Lake (really no trail this time- found it with a compass) and that was great. I was the only one there- no commotion. I camped in the meadow and had some great beef stew for dinner (dehydrated and then rehydrated using hot water). I spent some time at the lake the next morning and then headed back down the mountain.

Going up took more energy than going down, but I was more sore from going down- weird calf muscles in use I guess. Overall though, I suprised myself at how well I handled it physically. The mosquitos were out in full force and despite an entire can of OFF (travel size mind you) I still have quite a few souvenirs. Oh, and no pictures because I forgot to put the batteries into the camera.

...Polo!

Remember playing Marco Polo in the swimming pool when we were kids? That's a little bit like what this post is. Me shouting Polo! to those who are curious about where I am. Picture me as a groundhog, or better yet, a MOLE (get it chem wizzes?) that pops her head up every once in a while just so you know she's there, but as soon as try to catch her, she's gone again.

I am actually back in SLC for now. I had an awesome trip(s) to the following: Richland, Seattle, Orlando, Cozumel, Roaton (Honduras), Belize City, Freeport Bahamas, Cedar City, St. George, and Zion National Park. I'll write more about my adventures later when I have a longer attention span. (Will that ever happen??)

I am feeling much better about life these days. Being away from students and chemistry has enabled me to try out some new things and begin to find talents and interests I've never known I had because I've always been so engrossed in school. One of my new interests is hiking/backpacking. I did a lot of hiking in Zion and I am thinking of going backpacking near Flaming Gorge this week. I know backpacking alone isn't a great idea, but I can't let my lack of friends with time on their hands stop me because if I stay in one place and am left to my own devices, I am not safe. Anyhow, I thought I'd post a few pictures of me and my adventures just for those of you who are curious :)

Grand Bahama Island-I went parasailing! Yay!


Jillian and I in Honduras


Temple of the moon, Mayan ruins at Tulum, Mexico. You can't tell from the picture, but it is very very very hot!!!
Hidden Canyon at Zion national park. Good thing I'm there to hold up the mountain!

Okay, so this is funny

The Fugitive

I've disappeared. I've gone into hiding. No one actually knows where I am. I've spent 1 night at home since June 24. Now, I am sure that if someone was desperate to find me, they could, but as it stands now, I have disappeared.

It feels great to be in hiding. It feels as if my life is completely inconsequential and that if I slipped off the face of the earth, nothing would be the worse. Why am I so attracted to this feeling? Dunno. Maybe this is what I'm going for when I reach for the Tylenol. I realize that I might be unique here. I am not secretly wishing for someone to find me. I am much more at ease- I've been able to meet people and talk easily with people I have just met. I feel like a different person. And, tomorrow, I might just get up and be someone else. No rules, no responsibilities, no strings attached.

Why am I hiding in the first place? It's July. I am afraid to go home.

Better than the book

I'm spending part of this week in Cedar City at the Shakespeare festival. Today, I saw Cyrano de Bergyrac and Two Gentlemen of Verona.

I've decided that Shakespeare plays are much better on stage than on paper. I am realizing that I don't get the humor as well when I am simply reading a play. Shakespeare's humor is so different from modern humor that it's hard for me to pick up on. The director and actors did an amazing job interpreting the play. Two Gentlemen is a comedy- it pits the friendship story against the love story. If you really want to know, I am sure wikipedia or something can tell you all about it. Suffice to say, I hated the way it ended! Julia is a sweet, beautiful, innocent young woman but loses her head to her heart and takes back a total bum for a husband. This play has a plot that resembles the drama my students are constantly embroiled in. He likes her and she likes him who hates the other him but secretly likes her best friend and meanwhile the parents...you know.

Cyrano de Bergyrac isn't a Shakespeare play but was amazing. I had a basic idea of the plot, but I didn't know the detail or the pathos that makes up so much of the play. The play explores Cyrano's insecurity about his exceptionally large nose and the loneliness and shame that results. Cyrano's character resonated with me- he felt like no one could ever love him. Never mind that he was exceptionally witty, courageous, charismatic, gentle, an exceptionally brilliant poet- he pushed everyone away from him because of the shame he felt. The beautiful Roxanne falls in love with his soul without knowing his true identity. Long story short (again, see wikipedia) the story is deeply tragic and only in his dying hour does Roxanne find out his true identity. Beautiful love story, amazingly tragic, deep pathos.

This is a great change from the world of high school chemistry and all the associated drama!

My First "Tag"...hmmm

A) Four places I visit over and over:

• The Manavu chapel
• Stewart Falls
• IKEA
• Jordan High
  

B ) Four people who email me (regularly):

• Students
• Students' parents
• VPs
• AP College board
  

C) Four places I like to eat:

• Jessica's house :)
• The Pie
• Ruth's Diner
• 'Ella Good (Hawaiian ice stand in Provo- I don't think it's there any more, but it was AMAZING!)
  

D) Four places I'd rather be right now:

• BYU
• On a date
• Performing on Broadway
• Pushing up tulips
  

E) Four TV shows (movies) I would watch over and over:

• MASH
• Cosby
• Mona Lisa Smile
• ???
  

Mmmmm...Summer!

Face to face with the Black Dog

Winston Churchill was the Prime Minister of Britain during WWII. As Prime Minister, he led his countrymen into some of the fiercest battles this world has ever known. At the same time, Churchill fought his own inward battle with what he euphemistically called the "black dog". What is the Black Dog? Depression. Deep, suffocating, clinical depression.

Clinical Depression isn't just the "blues" or a few bad days in a row, or grieving the death of a loved one. Depression is an abnormal response to a normal situation. For instance, it is normal to grieve when a loved one dies. It becomes depression when mourning does not fade after a reasonable period of time. Depression isn't feeling heartache about a broken relationship. This is normal. Difficult things happen to each of us in life and it can be expected that we will all feel something akin to the symptoms of depression several times during our lives.

To be diagnosed with depression, five of the following nine criteria must be met within a two week period including depressed mood and lack of interest or pleasure:

• Depressed mood
• Decreased interest or pleasure
• Unexplained weight changes
• Sleep disturbances
• Psychomotor agitation or retardation
  
• fatigue
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
• Inability to concentrate
• Thoughts of death or suicide
  

Clinical depression ranges in severity from mild to severe- with psychotic symptoms. In many cases, it is easily treated and abates within a reasonable amount of time (on the order of months). Other times, this is not the case.

Why am I writing this? To tell the truth, I do not know. I have been dealing with depression in one form or another for 5 years. It has been a major factor if not the commanding factor in essentially every major decision or event since I started college. I used to try to keep it a secret. I don't really try anymore. I suppose there are people that guessed it, but I don't know who.

I'm surprised at how resilient I've been. I have been kicked over and over and yet I keep getting back up. No mission? wait a year and try again. Still no mission? graduate college- with 198.5 credits. Crisis counseling Saturday morning? play the organ at church on Sunday. Can't afford medication because of crappy insurance? get the doctor to give you samples. Spend the night in the ED? go to class the next day. Spend the weekend drinking mucomyst (think rotten egg juice)? Educate the nurse about the biochemical pathways that you threw out of whack and present your data at lab meeting on Tuesday. Psychiatrist writes involuntary commitment orders on you and you end up locked up with no shoelaces or a shower head for an undetermined length of time? Ask for permission to study your neuroscience book. Doc says no studying-focus on mental health instead? surprise the doc by reading the book she gives you in under 3 hours. Get hauled off by the police to another hospital 5 days after being released from the last hospital? Tell off the supervising psychologist that sent you there (I don't recommend this one- he can testify against you in a mental health court). Get told that you either move to WA or have a commitment hearing for the state hospital? Have a melt-down then move to WA, find a job, and learn to sew. Forced to drop out of a PhD program? Find a new career teaching chemistry. Can't pay the $60,000 in medical bills that your previously mentioned crappy insurance won't cover? Get financial assistance and pay off the rest, bit by painful bit.

So, I am not your typical psych patient. I've got a host of "diagnoses", but those are relatively meaningless in a realm where labels are based on a collection of symptoms rather than a specific etiology. If I'd been the typical psych patient, I'd probably be on welfare, living with my parents, and working a minimum wage job.

It's been over a year since any psych unit admissions (lockups). It's been since February since any "overmedication" or ED visits. This should be a source of satisfaction, but it is NOT! And now, I think I have arrived my point in writing all of this. Looking at these measures, yes, I am getting "better". At least better enough to make the people around me more comfortable. But I am NOT better! Or am I? Maybe I am just refusing to believe I can get better. Maybe my identity has become enmeshed with my 'illness' to the point where I can no longer separate the two. Who am I when the black dog leaves?

I don't know the answer to these questions- surprise, surprise. All I know for now is that school is almost out, summer vacation is almost here, and for the past year, I have been obsessing about killing myself by overdosing on Tylenol this July. Just because I have these obsessions doesn't mean I have to act on them, but I get a little stubborn sometimes. I know neither source nor salve, just that I am alone.