Clinical Depression isn't just the "blues" or a few bad days in a row, or grieving the death of a loved one. Depression is an abnormal response to a normal situation. For instance, it is normal to grieve when a loved one dies. It becomes depression when mourning does not fade after a reasonable period of time. Depression isn't feeling heartache about a broken relationship. This is normal. Difficult things happen to each of us in life and it can be expected that we will all feel something akin to the symptoms of depression several times during our lives.
To be diagnosed with depression, five of the following nine criteria must be met within a two week period including depressed mood and lack of interest or pleasure:
- Depressed mood
- Decreased interest or pleasure
- Unexplained weight changes
- Sleep disturbances
- Psychomotor agitation or retardation
- fatigue
- Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
- Inability to concentrate
- Thoughts of death or suicide
Clinical depression ranges in severity from mild to severe- with psychotic symptoms. In many cases, it is easily treated and abates within a reasonable amount of time (on the order of months). Other times, this is not the case.
Why am I writing this? To tell the truth, I do not know. I have been dealing with depression in one form or another for 5 years. It has been a major factor if not the commanding factor in essentially every major decision or event since I started college. I used to try to keep it a secret. I don't really try anymore. I suppose there are people that guessed it, but I don't know who.
I'm surprised at how resilient I've been. I have been kicked over and over and yet I keep getting back up. No mission? wait a year and try again. Still no mission? graduate college- with 198.5 credits. Crisis counseling Saturday morning? play the organ at church on Sunday. Can't afford medication because of crappy insurance? get the doctor to give you samples. Spend the night in the ED? go to class the next day. Spend the weekend drinking mucomyst (think rotten egg juice)? Educate the nurse about the biochemical pathways that you threw out of whack and present your data at lab meeting on Tuesday. Psychiatrist writes involuntary commitment orders on you and you end up locked up with no shoelaces or a shower head for an undetermined length of time? Ask for permission to study your neuroscience book. Doc says no studying-focus on mental health instead? surprise the doc by reading the book she gives you in under 3 hours. Get hauled off by the police to another hospital 5 days after being released from the last hospital? Tell off the supervising psychologist that sent you there (I don't recommend this one- he can testify against you in a mental health court). Get told that you either move to WA or have a commitment hearing for the state hospital? Have a melt-down then move to WA, find a job, and learn to sew. Forced to drop out of a PhD program? Find a new career teaching chemistry. Can't pay the $60,000 in medical bills that your previously mentioned crappy insurance won't cover? Get financial assistance and pay off the rest, bit by painful bit.
So, I am not your typical psych patient. I've got a host of "diagnoses", but those are relatively meaningless in a realm where labels are based on a collection of symptoms rather than a specific etiology. If I'd been the typical psych patient, I'd probably be on welfare, living with my parents, and working a minimum wage job.
It's been over a year since any psych unit admissions (lockups). It's been since February since any "overmedication" or ED visits. This should be a source of satisfaction, but it is NOT! And now, I think I have arrived my point in writing all of this. Looking at these measures, yes, I am getting "better". At least better enough to make the people around me more comfortable. But I am NOT better! Or am I? Maybe I am just refusing to believe I can get better. Maybe my identity has become enmeshed with my 'illness' to the point where I can no longer separate the two. Who am I when the black dog leaves?
I don't know the answer to these questions- surprise, surprise. All I know for now is that school is almost out, summer vacation is almost here, and for the past year, I have been obsessing about killing myself by overdosing on Tylenol this July. Just because I have these obsessions doesn't mean I have to act on them, but I get a little stubborn sometimes. I know neither source nor salve, just that I am alone.
5 comments:
Gretchen! You are not alone! Since I met you in college, you've always had friends who care about you. I am still one of those friends! I know we don't see each other anymore, but I was so happy to find your blog so I could keep updated with your life. I know you've had trouble with depression, but I have always thought you were a bright, funny, talented woman. I used to love it when we'd stay up late having deep conversations in the living room. You always had so many interesting things to talk about.
Also, please remember you are a child of God. He loves you. And all of us love you. As you said, just because you have these thoughts doesn't mean you'll actually act on them, but I just want to tell you that your life is so meaningful, and so many people care about you! I have dealt with mild depression from time-to-time (nothing like you describe, but pieces of it) so I can understand what you're going through. You just have to remember that those thoughts can be controlled, especially if you fill your time with good activities that take your mind away from yourself. Service to others is a great way to lift your mood! Also spending time with others who make you happy. Anyway, I hope you know how much I care about you, and there are tons of others who feel the same way!
i would like to agree with the previous post!
i had this whole thing i was going to say, but i've changed my mind.
i just want to tell you that I LOVE YOU! i miss you! we had such fun together in high school, and i wish we could be closer together now, but even though we're not very involved in each other's lives, i still consider you one of my very dearest friends. i love you!
Hey Gretchen - I wish I could just give you a huge hug. I've been out of town so I didn't get a chance to see your blog sooner. I second the sincere things that Anna said - and would add that sometimes we need outside help. Depression is something that can be triggered by outside circumstances and lifestyle, but also inside chemical inbalances that we can't control. I know this very well after learning that I wasn't able to deal with my depression only by doing all the good things I could do. I did find though that for me, (and everyone is different) the medicine enables me to overcome my depression because when I have the medicine that my body needs, my mental state is affected by the way I use my time and try to be anxiously involved in a good cause. I know it is so hard - but the only way to be better is to choose that you won't let it overpower you. And I know you're strong enough - otherwise you wouldn't have been dealt this challenge. Please keep on reaching out and letting us know how we can help you in your life. Like Anna said - we really do love you. I cherish the time that we all spent in that little apartment - constant adventures and laughs. I know that we often saw the 'real' you - and loved it. I hope you'll hold on to her - she's a real treasure. Keep being strong - and don't stop writing us. You'll pull through this!
Love you Gretchen. Thanks for being always such a great friend. So understanding. You are not alone. Keep fighting the good fight! Can't wait until we can hang out again. Have a fun summer!
Gretchen,
I don't know you, but I can tell you that the thought of overdosing with Tylenol or any other drug, is very scary. Your life is worth living. Sometimes we get overwhelmed, and think we only have one way out. I know this all too well because I was just released from ICU on July 7th 2008. I was in ICU for over 96hrs! I didn't want to die. I made a grave mistake and hurt the people I loved most. My husband spent days crying over what I had done. Not only do I feel guilty for putting him through this ordeal, but now I'm considered a "high risk patient". Red flags were raised the moment I arrived at the ER. Even though I had been medically cleared, I was being forced to seek treatment at a mental ward. Tylenol is the WORST drug in terms of suicide attemps. Not that I'm saying you should try a different drug. Tylenol kills you very slowly. You don't even know it. I was given a foul smelling antidote every 4hrs. It smells like rotten eggs. I was so close to dying. I see things differently now. NOTHING is worth losing your life over. I feel as if I was reborn. The moment I was released and walked outside, I had a huge smile on my face. This world isn't perfect, but nothing is. I now take the greatest pleasure in the most beautiful and simple things that our beautiful planet has to offer. Anything from the birds singing to the noisy city. Please do consider talking with loved ones about your "harmful fantasy". You are much too precious to give up on your life that is full of beautiful possibilities. I hope this helps. And please forgive me for the unsolicited advice. I came across your website by accident. I'm glad I did though. Be strong! And never stop smiling!
Karine
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